How Old Relationship Patterns Show Up in New Ones—And How to Shift Them
Do you ever find yourself thinking, “Why does this always happen in my relationships?” Maybe you’ve moved on from the last one, perhaps the person is new, but the pattern feels eerily familiar.
The truth is, it’s not just the people we choose. It’s the relationship patterns we carry with us. These patterns are learned, often unconsciously, and they become the blueprint we use to connect, protect, or pull away.
The good news? Patterns can be changed.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
What relationship patterns are and how they’re formed
The signs of toxic relationship patterns and how to recognise them
The impact of the pattern relationship on bond levels
How to begin breaking patterns in relationships that no longer serve you
How emotion-focused therapy and the EmotionFit Program can help you shift your patterns for good
What Are Relationship Patterns?
Relationship patterns are repetitive emotional behaviours and reactions that show up in how you bond with others. These patterns are often rooted in childhood experiences, attachment styles, and unhealed emotional wounds.
For Example:
Do you always feel like you’re giving more than you're receiving?
Do you shut down emotionally when things get too close?
Do you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners?
These are all signs of a pattern of relationships that may be operating beneath the surface of your awareness.
Why We Repeat Toxic Relationship Patterns
We repeat toxic relationship patterns not because we enjoy pain, but because the nervous system prefers familiarity over uncertainty. Even if the pattern leads to distress, it feels known, and therefore “safe.”
Common toxic patterns include:
Pursue-withdraw dynamics (one partner chases, the other distances)
Over-functioning and under-functioning roles
Emotional avoidance or emotional over-dependence
Fear of abandonment leading to clinginess or control
Fear of intimacy leading to emotional shutdown
Without healing the origin of these patterns, we unintentionally recreate them in every new relationship.
How to Recognise Toxic Relationship Patterns
To begin healing, we must first become aware. Ask yourself:
Do I often feel anxious or triggered in relationships, even when nothing is "wrong"?
Do I overanalyse texts, tone, or timing?
Do I feel like I lose myself trying to keep others happy?
Do I fear being too much—or not enough?
Do I attract partners who are emotionally unavailable or critical?
Recognising how toxic relationship patterns operate in your life is the first step toward change.
The Pattern Relationship Bond Levels: How Deep Does It Go?
In therapy, we often explore the pattern relationship bond levels—the emotional depth at which these patterns were formed. Many stem from:
Early attachment wounds
Unmet emotional needs
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Shame about needing a connection
These deeper levels often go unaddressed unless you’re working in a safe, emotionally attuned space like emotion-focused therapy.
In therapy, we help you name and work through these layers so that you can build new, healthier relational bonds.
Breaking Patterns in Relationships: What It Takes
Breaking patterns in relationships isn’t about blaming yourself or the other person. It’s about becoming aware, emotionally present, and willing to do the internal work.
Here’s how to start:
Notice your triggers: What sets you off emotionally?
Track your responses: Do you withdraw, over-function, shut down, or try to control?
Explore the root: What old emotional wound is being touched?
Practice new ways of connecting: Ask for what you need. Express emotion safely. Take space when necessary.
Seek support: You don’t have to do this alone.
How Emotion-Focused Therapy Supports Pattern Change
Emotion-focused therapy helps you shift relationship patterns at the emotional root—not just the behavioural level.
This approach works by:
Identifying the emotional needs behind your patterns
Helping you safely access and express vulnerable feelings
Building emotional resilience and secure internal attachment
Creating new emotional experiences that rewire how you relate to others
Whether you’re in individual or couples therapy, this method is powerful, deep, and transformative.
How the EmotionFit Program Helps You Break Old Patterns for Good
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same painful patterns and finally build relationships that feel emotionally safe and connected, the EmotionFit Program – Level III: Relationships was made for you.
This online, therapist-designed program helps you:
Understand why your relationship patterns formed
Identify and begin breaking toxic relationship patterns
Heal emotional wounds using tools from emotion-focused therapy
Strengthen emotional regulation and communication
Build healthy, secure connections with others—and yourself
It’s more than a course—it’s a path to relational healing. Whether you’re currently in therapy or exploring this journey on your own, EmotionFit provides the structure, insight, and support to help
you change your patterns from the inside out.
Final Thought
Your old relationship patterns aren’t a life sentence—they’re a signal. A signal that something inside you is still trying to protect itself.
When you start paying attention, with compassion rather than judgment, you begin to reclaim your power. You begin to shift. You begin to heal.
And your relationships? They begin to reflect on the healing for you.
